Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out
The full cost of the wrongs I have done you
And I'm sending the money to you
The cheque's in the post

For giving you hell
When I should have been treating you well
Reparation: 500 £5 notes in a roll

For remarks about your weight
For complaining when you were late
Compensation: £2000, the going rate

For the times we were out
And my eye kept roving about
Settling on younger women
Fifteen hundred, say it's forgiven

Running total: £6 350
With tax added on
And that's Just the end of verse one

For attacking your superstition
Your pantheistic new age religion
Say the sum of £1797

When I said your new dress wasn't splendid
When I told you the way the film ended
I know I was wrong: accept this token
£7000

And for passing the pictures I'd taken
Of your body totally naked
Around our friends
Let's call it a round £9 000

Running total: £24 063
On its way to you
And this is just the end of verse two

Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out
The real cost of the wrongs I have done you
And I'm sending the money to you
The cheque's in the post

And for my next indiscretion
When we had sex on the floor of the kitchen
I sang it in a song -- accept 10 000 -- make that 11 000 pounds

And for failing to give enough time
To the baby that could have been mine
It's not that I don't care
My love it's just so hard to find a figure

Worst of all I stopped loving your body
Making you feel so low
Though my lawyer says no blame can be apportioned
For circumstances beyond my control
So now I'm all paid up
And absolved from this guilt
I'm going to get another girl in
Under my quilt
And run up
Another massive debt

Hail Mary, pray for me now
Now and at the hour of my death