They're gonna put me in the Army
They're gonna send me greetin's any day
Ain't no need for me to burn my draft card
'Cause I'm gonna have to go anyway.

Well, I can't tell my ankle from my elbow
They'll put me in the awkward squad, I guess
And when they see my natural stupidity
I bet they send me straight to OCS.

I'll be nervous in the service
A soldier I was never meant to be
I'll be the sickest goldbrick in the Army
And all I have to do is act naturally.

They're gonna put me on a troop ship
Send me where the fightin' is the worst
They can send me anywere they want to
But they're gonna have to catch me first.

And when them commies start a-shootin' at me
I'm gonna be advancin' to the rear
For I'm a lover-boy, I ain't a fighter
Won't somebody get me out of here.

May-be I can win a medal
Then a happy hero I will be
I'll use extreme precaution under cover
And all I have to do is act naturally.

I hope you'll come to see me in the guardhouse
I'm a prisoner of my Uncle Sam
All I get to eat is bread and water
But I like it better here, than Vietnam.