"Can-i-bitch"
Eminem
"Straight From The Lab" EP
(2003)

[Intro]
{in a high falsetto voice}
Uncle Marshall!
Will you tell us a bedtime story?
{regular voice}
Here we go...

[Verse One]
Now once upon a time not long ago
There was a little rapper about to blow
But his album came and it was not good
I think it went lead or double copper wood
So the silly little fans they were mislead
By a nerdy Internet computer hip-hop head
"Me and you, 'Clef, we're gonna make some cash
Grab the silver paint and let's paint my ass"
Hey mister, would ya care to bare witness to
The ass-whippin' I'm about to administer
To this little ass-kissin' vaginal blister
'Stanabis', little Marshall Mathers' sister
And in this corner, we have the mister
Not havin' it, it's the mad sinister
Dr. Evil with his bag of tricks for
This little antagonist faggot dick-suckin'
Ex-LL Cool J fan from Windsor
I'm 'bout to murder little Kenny fag Kennif-sta
You bastard I ain't wanna have to diss ya
Cannabis, where the fuck you at? I miss ya!

[Chorus]
Can-i-bitch, oh Can-i-bitch
Where for art thou Can-i-bitch?
Please tell me what happened with
That style that you were rappin' with
Can-i-bitch, oh Can-i-bitch
Are you from Los Angeles,
New York or just a janitor
From Canada? Oh Can-i-bitch.


Now at first I ain't really understand the shit
Picture me for a second and imagine it
Chillin' in a Bat-Mansion and relaxin'
When all a sudden some bullshit comes across the scanner
It's Can-i-bitch with some Stan Lives shit
They greet me out at first man this is sick
For me being just a sick disconflict
Gets my dick harder than arithmetic
And I know how you jealous ones envy
I should'a knew better from the first few letters you sent me
The first two letters you were tellin' me shit
Like you respect me, like any other regular MC
The third letter you ask how come I ain't return
None of the messages at Shady Records You Left Me
The fourth Letter: "Slim you really startin' to upset me!"
The fifth letter told me you were comin' to get me
The sixth threat there's a bomb threat in our building
This crazy mother-fucker's really tryin' to kill me!
So I went back and read the first few letters that said
Some shit about a message you left
Oh shit, that's not an "E" that's an "A"
This dude wants to leave me a "massage," he's gay!!
Right away I'm on the phone with Dr. Dre
We got a bogey! (Marshall I'm on the way)

[Chorus]


So in two seconds flat Dre's at my crib
The funny thing is we both know where this kid lives
And neither one of us have Canadian citizenship
Shit oh Dre wait a minute that's it
All we gotta do is use a bit of turbo boost
We can fly over the border "Let's go" *WOOSH!*
So we're off to Toronto and we're gainin' speed
*BOOSH!* (What was that?) oh Jermaine Dupre
Fuck it, keep goin' no time to waste
Wait, backup hit him one more time in case
Okay .. fuck now he's draggin' under the car
Oh well, only 30 more thousand miles
Meanwhile me and Dre are tryin' to conversate
Just tryin' to find a reason for the constant hate
And tryin' to figure out what happened to 'Germaine Propaine'
"He couldn't have fell off that hard!" ain't no way
"What happened to the way you was rappin' when you was scandalous
The Canibus turned into a television evangelist"
Plus he raps with his regular voice {*BOOSH!*} {*BOOSH!*}
{*BOOSH!*} {*BOOSH!*} (what was that?) Pet Shop Boys
So we pull up to the bridge where he last was spotted
His corpse was still movin' but his ass was rotted
He kind of smelled a little like Courtney Love
I figure if I stick him with a fork he's done
So I stapped him twice, kept jabbin', Christ
He won't die this guy's like a battered wife
He's like Kim, he keeps comin' back for more
But he won't fight back I cracked his jaw
Hold up 'bis quit foldin' up!
Punch me in the chest make my shoulders touch!
DO SOMETHIN'! At least one punch line
C'mon till the meter reads 9-9-9-9!
Say 90 percent of my fans are blonde
'bis c'mon answer me man respond!!!
Tell me 'bout the sun rain moon and stars
Intergalactical metaphors from Mars!
Raw to the floor, raw like Reservoirs Dogs
Bite ANOTHER line from Redman's song!
Suddenly the stub from a dead man's arm
from a midget reaches out from under the car.
It's JD, this motherfucker won't die neither,
Dre starts sprayin' him with cans of Ether
We stomped the bitch and then stopmed the bitch again
(Compton!) Detroit bitch talk some shit again!!
STOMP HIM! (switch feet) STOMP HIM! (switch again!)
Dre, alright he's dead dog, quit kickin' him!
I think Stanabis jumped off the bridge again
(Damn...) he disappeared, yo he's gone, he did it again!

[Chorus]