It's 4 PM on a Monday and I cannot stop sobbing
I haven't been able to eat or sleep
or leave the bed for days
Crying every single day for the past 20 days
Now that I type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag
Something is wrong

On paper, my life is nice
Actually, my life is becoming the very life
I have dreamed about since I was a little kid
I so badly wish I could engage, appreciate
and truly live this life
that I've been fortunate enough to experience
Unfortunately
there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me
And a darkness that won't lift

I have never felt this alone and discarded in my life
This includes times when I lost friends
family, and even what I thought was my god
Perhaps those losses just compounded
including my current situational stressors
Or maybe this is unrelated
Or maybe I am making it all up

I am writing this on my iPhone
And can already tell that this text
will either end up sounding like a suicide note
or like, some pathetic attempt at “being real”

It is neither though
The closest thing I can think of
to compare this text to is a letter to the universe
Begging for the aching to let up
the crying to slow, and my ability to function to return

Sometimes I am just grateful that I can still cry
ecause being numb is an even worse reality
and very few people seem to return from that