I met him in a crowded room
Where people go to drink away their gloom
He sat me down and so began
The story of a charmless man
Educated the expensive way
He knows his claret from his beaujolais
I think he’d like to have been Ronnie Kray
But then nature didn’t make him that way

He thinks he’s educated, airs those family shares
Will protect him, that we’ll respect him
He moves in circles of friends who just pretend
That they like him, he does the same to them
And when you put it all together
There’s the model of a charmless man

He knows the singers and their cavalry
Says he can get in anywhere for free
I began to go a little cross-eyed
And from this charmless man I just had to hide

He talks at speed he gets nosebleeds
He doesn’t see his days are tumbling down upon him
And yet he tries so hard to please
He’s just so keen for you to listen
But no-one’s listening
And when you put it all together there’s the model of a charmless man