Cowboys and pioneers, come lend your eyes and ears
I've got the need to testify
Don't try to fill your nest out in the open west
'cuz there's a million ways to die

Six bullets in the gut or just a paper cut
Too many ways to quantify
They'll cut your ankle off to cure a minor cough
'cuz there's a million ways to die
A million ways to die

It's a hundred and one in the shade of the sun
If you fall asleep, you fry
A million ways to die
You can live like a saint but there just really ain't
No avoiding a million ways to die

Smallpox and bigger pox, and deadly tomahawks
Or God forbid you steal a pie
They'll blast you into shards for bein' good at cards
'cuz there's a million ways to die

Out on the desert plains it hardly ever rains
And you can hear coyotes cry
They'll eat you up and then they'll shit you out again
'cuz there's a million ways to die
A million ways to die

With a whoosh and a whack there's a knife in your back
'cuz you got a fancy tie
A million ways to die
It's a kick in the pants but you don't have a chance
Of escaping a million ways to die
A million ways to die