Wish I was a stone, so I couldn't feel
You'd yell in my face, it'd be no big deal
But I'd miss the way we make up and smile
Don't want to be stone, I changed my mind

I wish I had eyes in the back of my head
Then I could see the places I've been
But then I would know that you're talkin' shit
I don't want to know what my friends think

Wish I were my dog out on the lawn
I'd be so glad when I hear you come home
But if I were my dog, I wouldn't live long
I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone

I wish I could act in a show on TV
'Cause then I could practice not bein' me
I'll practice my cry, put it into my reel
But you won't believe me when I cry for real

I wish that my brain would triple in size
I'd nail every joke, I'd win every fight
But I'd get too deep with that kind of mind
I don't wanna know the point of life

In some other life I would be rich
I'd travel in style, I'd cover the bill
But couldn't complain 'bout anything small
Nobody'd feel bad for me at all

If I was cocaine or a bottle of Jack
I'd get invited to every frat
But when you get old and your good days have passed
You'll only want me when you're sad

Wish I was a song, your favorite one
You'd follow the dance to me at your prom
I would be there when your baby is born
For two or three minutes, then I'm gone

I wish I was big, as big as my house
I'd sleep on the trees, I'd skip every crowd
But I wouldn't fit on my therapist's couch
God, I could really use him now

I wish I was God, I'd never trip up
And if I did, well, so fuckin' what?
I could be cruel and break all your stuff
Yeah, I'd be loved no matter what

But if I was God, it'd get kinda weird
'Cause you would only say what I wanna hear
And then you would die, you'd love me to death
I'd never know who the hell I am

I wish I was me, whoever that is
I could just be and not give a shit
Hey, I'll be whatever makes you a fan
'Cause I don't know who the hell I am
(—am-am-am-am-am-am-am-am-am-am-am-am—)

One, two, pandemonium!
One, two, pandemonium!
Here I go again
One, two, pandemonium!
Here I go again
One, two, pandemonium!
One, two—
Here I go again